The art of kissing

Kissing is a vastly - and criminally - undervalued activity. It’s anything but “just foreplay.” It can be intensely erotic and arousing, and it can go way beyond “putting your lips together and blow” (as Lauren Bacall said to Humphrey Bogart) if you let it. Especially if genital stimulation doesn’t offer you much in the way of sensation, or if it’s just too physically exhausting, don’t think of kissing as just a hors d’oeuvre. Make it the main course!


Most sexual encounters – especially involving genital intercourse as the main focus - last for under a half hour, or less! Kissing - especially when you let it start to wander to other parts of the body – can last for a lot longer than that. Why not go all night?

So here’s a little primer on kissing technique. This is just one scenario for how to make the most of those delicious lips and tongues. Remember that great sex is always about creativity and variety, so think principles here. It’s not a step by step instruction manual, and need I say that brushing your teeth is a good place to start? You might want to keep a glass of water on hand, too. So get those lips good and wet, now. This is going to be fun.

Relax and let the first kisses be gentle and cottony soft. Arousal doesn’t happen as naturally if you’re physically or emotionally tense, or in a rush, so starting easy actually opens up the potential for your sensual response. These first kisses are a chance to breathe and let go, and to align yourselves with each other by sharing this heightened attention on subtlety. They won’t be gentle and soft if either one of you isn’t paying attention. Go slow, and trust that things will build naturally.

Go easy on the tongue in the beginning. It’s really not very sexy to just start thrusting it into your partner’s mouth. Maybe you help wet your lips together a bit, and enjoy the light touch of the tips of your tongues. When your lips are moist they glide wonderfully against each other, which takes good advantage of their sweet sensitivity. If you feel your teeth starting to press through your lips at this point, back off the pressure. Feel how wonderfully soft your lips are by keeping it light.

The process will start to naturally open up and get more varied. Explore the incredible range of soft, hard, fast, slow, moving or holding still, opening the mouth just a bit or wide. The process evolves by itself when you stay in sync with each other. It’s like a dance - you can sense whether your partner is going with you, and you can give each other little clues about where to go next.

Don’t be shy about that tongue. See how far you can extend it. No, it’s not gross - sucking tongue is a blast! Some people have more capacity to reach their tongue toward their partner than others, and part of the trick is to keep it relaxed. If you’re on the receiving end, don’t suck too hard - that can really hurt! Let them intertwine, roll around themselves, come and go. There’s loads of variety here.

Since the lips are so extremely sensitive, it feels great to have them gently licked. Try asking your partner to relax their lips, and run your tongue gently across the top or bottom, or make your tongue broad and soft and lick across their whole mouth. Then have them return the favour. The tongue has loads of nerve endings, too. Stimulate every one of them.

The very emotional quality of the kisses change with what your arms and hands do. Let your hands rove, let your arms wrap around each other, hold your bodies close, caress each other, run fingertips down your partner’s back or arm. One of the sweetest things you can do is to lovingly place a hand on your lover’s cheek while you kiss them - but don’t get too distracted from what your lips and tongue are up to.

I strongly advise against the “press and smack” approach to kissing. It’s fun in a silly moment, but on the whole, kisses should last a good, long time. Every once in a while you’ll fall into a kiss that can just linger on and on and on while you also feel your bodies touch, your arms wrap, your breath release, allowing the natural sighs that arise in truly sensual moments. Don’t let these moments pass by too quickly! Some people report having peak moments with kissing that they would describe as orgasmic.

Of course, you don’t need to stay on the lips. Travel around the face, to the cheeks, the space just under the ears, behind the ears, the ears themselves. (If you like a tongue on your ear, keep some cotton swabs handy.) Trace the line of their jaw, using a variety of kissing with your lips, gentle gliding of the tongue, or combinations thereof. Make sure you bring your mouths back together from time to time. And the neck - for God’s sake don’t forget the neck!

And what the hell, put that mouth and tongue on any part of the body you can get to - which obviously can include some pretty sensitive places like the nipples and genitals, depending on whatever levels of sensation you have. Make it a whole body experience.

Once in a while you might even stop and just look into each other’s eyes. We tend to close our eyes while we kiss because we’re so close we’d have to go cross-eyed to look at each other! So pull back a bit while you’re still touching, and make contact through the eyes - the windows to the soul. Hey, you might even talk to each other a little bit. And then kiss some more.

Kissing models the very essence of sensuality and intimacy - sometimes it’s shared, and sometimes you’re just giving or receiving, but no matter what, you’re in a private, beautiful, intimate space together, allowing passions to rise, and feeling that astounding suite of sensations that our bodies are capable of - even if you can only feel your head and your shoulders. I hope that gives you a few ideas... for starters.

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